Roadtrip!

 

We had a fabulous weekend in Vegas. Days spent soaking in the pool and shopping, nights spent walking the strip and being the epitome of the tourists that we are...it was grand. You know those vacations when you cram so much in and get so little sleep, that you are actually ready to come home when it's time? Those are my very favorite trips.

As we drove through the canyon in our last stretch to home, I was overcome with the same realization that hits me every time we come home from vacation: I really do love where we live. Red rocks, palm trees and oven heat are fabulous for getaways, but the green fields, snow-caped mountains and cool summer nights hold my heart.

I do love me some Vegas though, you know, in moderation. I'd say...twice to three times a year. Needless to say, we'll be heading back again soon.

I hope you all had a great weekend! xoxo

Finding the right balance.

That cute face up there? This is the face of fate.

The face of a boy who was determined to join our family before we ever knew he was exactly what we needed. This is the face of the boy who filled a hole in my heart that I didn't even know existed.

There is something that I constantly have to remind myself since having the second love of my life arrive only a little more than two years ago: the fact that, before he arrived it was just me and his dad. Dan and I started as two, just him and I falling in love and taking on the world together. I lived for him and he lived for me and we exhausted ourselves in trying to figure out how to balance life when you are living it for someone else. We figured out how to compromise and we recognized our weaknesses so we could work on them together. He stuck by my side when I questioned the core of everything we both believed, and he continued to love and support me anyways. I kept him positive and uplifted when he felt dark and dreary. We completed each other in only the best ways possible. We conquered demons together, climbed mountains and stuck side-by-side through thick and thin. In the short few years that came between dating and marriage, we did all of this together and our love for each other grew fast and strong, overcoming all of the odds. And then together, we created a perfect little life form.

When Jace joined our family I'll be the first to admit that I didn't have it figured out. I was a little reckless and carefree, but most of all I was not at all prepared. I didn't take a single class at the hospital about birthing or nursing or parenting, because I felt the mother qualities deep in my core and I never questioned them. I have felt from a young age that being a mother was something engraved in my soul, one of the few things that I was born to do. Because the truth is, I had already been a "mother" a couple of times in my life. I had a new sister when I was 12 and a new brother when I was 19, and as their sister I loved mothering them. It came naturally. And through them I learned and experienced plenty of mothering qualities.

When Jace was born I was relieved and proud that it all came so naturally, just as I suspected it would. It didn't feel new, but rather it felt automatic, like riding a bike. Which is probably a terrible analogy for having a baby. But it's the truth, in that it felt as though I had done it before and it came as easy as an instinct, as easy as picking up an old talent. I had it, this mother thing. I was a good mother.

And then I took that, being a good mother, and I rolled with it. My life became a beautiful whirlwind of changing diapers and feedings and naps. I fed him enough food to get stopped at the grocery store by every old woman there who wanted to pinch his chunky fat rolls and chew on them. You're welcome for that, by the way. I rocked him to sleep at nights and oh how we loved that rocking chair. The hours upon hours I spent in that chair, gliding back and forth, will always hold a place in my heart forever and ever. I read him books that he was much too young for and I sang him songs that would put him in a trance when he was fussy and upset. I lived on a cloud for the first year of his life and I really did love every second of it.

And now! Oh, now. Other than the glorious three-day-old stage that I could go on and on about, this here two year old stage is my very favorite. I spend every evening in a puddle of mush that comes from the cuteness overload that is two-years-old. Oh how I love it! But that is a post for another day, because it is an entire book worth of words in itself.

Back to that something that I have to constantly remind myself: the fact that, before he arrived it was just me and his dad. In fact without that stellar guy he calls daddy, he wouldn't even be here today. I like to think it was all me that brought this sweet little guy into the world, seeing as I did most of the work to get him here, but I guess the truth is that it wasn't all me. I guess I had a little help.

That man who I married, who I took on the world with, who stuck by my side when not many else would have...that man who with I have this soul connection, he can't be put on the back burner and forgotten about. He still gives me butterflies and makes me laugh and I love him so much that it kind of hurts to think about. And do you know what the scariest realization is? The thought that it is even possible to forget about that. That it is even possible to push love aside and let it go.

The very truth of the matter is that now, so much of my heart and mind is focused on our little guy. And making sure I am still Dan's upliftment and best friend is a priority that I have to constantly remind myself of. It's something that doesn't come as natural as being a mom does for me. It's something that takes constant work, discovery, effort and practice.

So we make sacrifices. We make time for plenty of date nights, no matter how exhausted I feel or how much mom guilt creeps in to tell me not to leave my little guy. I push through and still date my husband because we need that in our marriage.

And then we plan vacations, which is a whole ordeal in and of itself. I am always excited to plan. Like our Lake Powell vacation last summer. Or like our Vegas roadtrip that we are leaving for tonight. It never fails that I plan and get excited, and then the time comes to leave and I feel the panic set in. My chest feels heavy and breathing becomes harder. I start to bite my nails and snap at innocent people who did nothing to deserve it. All because I hate leaving him. It hurts my heart and the guilt that ensues threatens to drown me in it's misery. Isn't mom guilt the worst?!

But here is the other thing that inevitably happens: we leave on our getaway, and everything goes fine. Jace has fun at Grandma's and gets spoiled in the kind of way that the dentist will give us a lecture about. In fact, he usually forgets that we are even gone. And Dan and I hold hands and laugh and have fun together in that same way we had fun together when we first started out, just the two of us. We steal kisses and act like we are in high school. We reminisce. We connect. And we are reminded of things that can be forgotten day in and day out. Things like the fact that we are where this family began. We remember that we together are the heart of the family, the very core of the happiness that our children will ultimately have. It's us against the world again, renewing and restoring and regenerating ourselves so that we can be the wife and husband and parents that we need to be.

And in an overly wordy post, as I so often do, my point was this: go away mom guilt. Tonight we are heading to Vegas to spend a few days regenerating and feeling carefree together. And although he will be missed, this little gap-toothed-smiley-face boy will be spending the weekend getting spoiled with grandparents on his very own vacation.

For me and mine, it's all about finding the right balance.

And also, it's all about vacations. Because statistics show that without the proper amount of vacations in our life, we are 87% more likely to commit murder. Just kidding I made that up. But sometimes it feels true, and let's just say...WE NEED A VACATION.

Astalavista! Viva las vegas! See you next week!

Because it's okay to feel this way.

This week so far has been pretty darn miserable.

Before Sunday when my sweet Grandma passed away, I had big plans of a big blog post with lots of pictures from our weekend. Because this was the first weekend I felt summer deep in my soul. It was hot and humid and filled with fresh fruits and adventures like splash pads and farmers markets and three trips a day to the park. It was glorious.

But then Sunday came and the weekend went downhill pretty fast. Since then I've been a tad emotional and very moody and I feel sort of like a build up of mildew in an old brown shower. I've always prided myself in my ability to hold my head high and push through the thick muck when I wade in the swampy parts of life. I can smile when I'm sad and I can focus on the good, and it's always been a quality that I sort of love about myself.

This week has just piled on the bad news, if you will. Right down to this popcorn kernel that has been stuck in my gums since last night and I can't get the darn thing OUT. And then the big things, of course, that I won't really bore you with. Except to say, when it all piles up like this I find myself feeling extra sappy about leaving my little guy at preschool and actually working. The real world can be rough sometimes.

I went through some hard times in college, and exactly which ones they were I can't remember, but I do distinctly remember a few such experiences when I fell to my knees and prayed. Plleeeasseee, God. Please tell mom to call me. She's not answering her phone and I realllyyyy need to talk to her. Or, plleeeasssee, God. Please send me an answer. Please tell someone to call me. Please send me something I really need. Please give me something uplifting. Please.

And I distinctly remember in all of those times, nothing would happen. My mom never miraculously heard a voice tell her to call me. No one showed up, nothing changed. I just sat there alone and unsure and I finally got up and carried on just the same. Every. Single. Time.

And while that sounds sad and lonely to write out, it has made me realize something. While I sit here this week and wait for some miraculous pick-me-up, I realize that this very thing has actually been a HUGE blessing. It turns out that is exactly what I need. Everytime I hope for some miracle when I'm feeling down and it never happens, well I'll be damned if that doesn't make me a better person.

I have an independent soul that craves quiet and alone time. I need to be sad sometimes, without any interference. For whatever reason I'm learning that it makes me who I am. It makes me appreciate the good. It makes me stronger. It makes me wiser. It makes me more humble and grateful and ultimatley, it makes me happier.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really appreciate these kind of weeks. Even though they seem awful and emotional and crazy, I come out of these tunnels feeling stronger and better and higher then I was before.

Be still, my soul. Up and onward I go.

In Memory of her.

 

This is my Mom's Mom. She has always been one of the sweetest and most charitable women I have ever met. Sadly, in recent years Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and slowly became someone she was not. And yet amazingly, throughout her journey with this heartbreaking disease, she always found ways to shine through the dust that cluttered her head and make us laugh and love and believe.

Early this morning the battle with Alzheimer's won and my sweet grandma left this world peacefully in her sleep. I was able to see her there, lying in her bed, looking like an angel in a sound slumber. I held her shoulder and whispered in her ear that could no longer hear, but with faith that she was listening somewhere, to tell her how much she means to me and how much she will be missed. I told her to tell Grandpa hello and that I missed him too. I pictured them hand in hand, both of them free from the bodies that held them captive in their last years of life, wide smiles on their faces and joyful tears running down their cheeks.

Today has been emotionally draining and oddly peaceful all at the same time. Losing a grandparent is hard. Harrrddd. I reminise about the times we had growing up and I find my heart aching to be there, back in time at Grandma and Grandpa's old red brick house, knocking on the door and waiting for them to let us in.

But I also know that sometimes leaving this world and it's diseases behind is well awaited and deserved. The fight and struggle that comes from these diseases, the ones that take from us everything we are and make us someone else, is tiring and can only go on so long. I like to think that at anyone's time of death in this world, an angel comes to take them to the other side. I like to imagine the love of her life took her hand and led her to their new home where she could be free from the disease that held her hostage.

And in that regards, her passing is peaceful. It is full of hope and faith and happiness.

Even so, my mind has weighed heavy today in memories. I will always pass by things in life that will forever remind me of this sweet woman.

Purple putenias.

Floral nightgowns.

Fresh peas from the garden.

The Sound of Music.

Russian nesting dolls.

Stacked newspapers.

Pearl necklaces.

And I will always hold close to my heart the woman she was, before a disease took over her life. Her laugh that came in short gusts of air. How she would never sit to eat until everyone else was done, so she could spend dinnertime serving us all. Her back tickles that put me to sleep. Her ability to make us all laugh. Her genuine love and dedication to her husband. Her honesty. Her simplicity. Her courage. Her faith.

Rest In Peace, Grandma. You are missed.

A week in pictures and the usual ramblings!

That there is little guy deciding HE wanted to be the decision maker in getting dressed yesterday morning. Bless his heart, he is aspiring to be styling like his mama! Make a statement sweetie pie! Rock those dinasour pants and two-sizes-too-big hiking boots! Let no one say that my son is not confident.

Also, I'm a big old dummy. Every now and again you probably notice that I have one picture that isn't the same size as the rest. I have researched and tried adjusting sizes and figuring out this blogger thing, but I fail everytime and I believe that's why I am not rich and famous right now. Because I can't even figure out how to picture size in blogger. {holds thumb and index finger in the shape of an L against my forehead}

HOWEVER: that picture, the one that is not like the others, is a picture of us with our little niece at a childrens hospital in the city. She is Dan's youngest sister's 6 year old girl who has a rare genetic disorder called 1P36 deletion syndrome. Little Lexi ended up in the hospital with a bad bout of pneumonia and it was pretty scary for some time. But God is good and through some miracles and blessings, Lexi girl is back home now. We love that little girl, with her curly pigtails and her skinny chicken legs and her soul that speaks comfort to anyone near her. We are relieved that she is well and home. She's a warrior, that girl!

Some other things from last week: met up with one of my favorite college roomies for a double date, planted more veggies in the garden (tomatoes, corn and cucumbers), watched kid sis rock her leading roll in the youth shakespeare play, and even found time to spend an evening accross the mountain for some fresh raspberry shakes and a beautiful view of the lake. It was a full and eventful week!

Also, did you know that today is National Doughnut Day? I kind of wish it was National CAKE Day, but I do love me a good doughnut. Or is it DONUT? Anyway. I am at the office doing some paper work today when the hubs surprised me at the door to whisk me away for some doughnuts! If that's not true love. If you follow me on instagram and saw the picture, because what is instagram for if not to take a picture of every item of food I eat?, you'll notice that my doughnut looks extra delicious. Let me assure you, IT WAS. Lime in coconut, holy moly friends. I will regret it later but right now I'd like to say that it was worth it? Who knows.

So Happy Friday, but more importantly, Happy National Doughnut Day! Go get you some! Doughnuts, that is. And have a happy happy weekend friends!

xoxo