Showing posts with label My Boys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Boys. Show all posts
Beck turns FOUR
6/29/2018
My baby had a Birthday almost THREE weeks ago and I am just now sharing some pictures, but my motto has always been better late than never, so...I'm late, but I'm here!
Also, I didn't take many pictures.
(Also, 95% of my pictures lately are photobombed by a seven year old dabber dabbing. See below.)
Anyhow.
MY BECK. What can I say about my Beck? Oh how I love this boy. He is happy and outgoing and adventurous and brave and quirky and funny. He is all himself in his uniqueness, but also, a lot me when I was four, and a lot his Uncle James, who I miss so terribly and so that makes me very happy. He has the Lewis genes strong, it seems. (Which fits, as Lewis is his middle name!)
For Beck's Birthday this year, we did the same thing we did last year, which was to spend our party just the four of us at the local outdoor pool. (For the sake of recording, the very first thing Beck did upon turning four that morning, was to, while I was in the shower for a minute, run outside with a black permanent marker and draw a large picture on the stucco wall and our garage door. So that was a good start to four, I think.)(Also for future reference, it turns out rubbing alcohol is the trick to removing permanent marker from anything, so even though that was the last thing we tried I was very happy for it.) For the entirety of his Birthday afternoon and evening, we swam and slid and jumped off diving boards and then, as the sun began to dip, we sat on a blue plastic table beneath a pepsi umbrella to sing happy birthday and blow out candles atop a tiny ladybug cake (that beck picked out himself)(tiny because only two out of four of us even like cake).
I think I've said this before (that's sarcasm, because I say it a lot) but simplicity is my jam. Give me a four year old who doesn't need or want for anything other than us together as a family on a warm day with a pool and some pizza. No crazy chaos, nothing fancy. Simple, just us and for that one night, no one else in the world.
It was perfect.
And in honor of his Birthday (three weeks ago, I know!) I have a little story to tell:
One of the most unique and special moments of my life so far was when I was pregnant with Beck, on the day that we found out that he was Beck, on the day of our ultrasound gender reveal. Up until that moment, neither Dan or I had any real instincts as to whether this might be a boy or a girl. But we did know that we would only have two kids, and so we discussed how nice a girl would be, you know, one of each! Perfect!
I remember being nervous and excited. I remember the small room, and the kind tech who ran the sonography probe back and forth across my belly, telling us all about the healthy baby moving around inside.
And then, at the end, she told us. "It is most definitely a boy." And I can't quite put the feelings that overcame me into words. It was like...coming home after a very long roadtrip. Or, like remembering a memory from a very long time ago, recalling something you had completely forgotten all about and having it hit you so suddenly that it takes your breath away.
Yes of course, a boy! It felt so right, and so silly that I hadn't known that all along. All at once this massive emotion hit me, where I REMEMBERED HIM. I knew him! I had known him before somehow., and I was instantly ecstatic to have him back in my life.
I don't think I will ever forget the magnitude of those feelings in that moment. It was incredible.
And anyway, now he is four. FOUR. I love it so much, the ages of both the boys, how they are growing and independent and no one is in diapers or drinking bottles or waking up all night and we have so much fun together, albeit there is a lot of energy between them so don't fall under any impressions about it being easy or anything. ;)
And as promised, here are the handful of pictures I took on the day Beck turned four! (I didn't post a picture of the permanent marker fiasco, it is still too soon for that.)
Also, I didn't take many pictures.
(Also, 95% of my pictures lately are photobombed by a seven year old dabber dabbing. See below.)
Anyhow.
MY BECK. What can I say about my Beck? Oh how I love this boy. He is happy and outgoing and adventurous and brave and quirky and funny. He is all himself in his uniqueness, but also, a lot me when I was four, and a lot his Uncle James, who I miss so terribly and so that makes me very happy. He has the Lewis genes strong, it seems. (Which fits, as Lewis is his middle name!)
For Beck's Birthday this year, we did the same thing we did last year, which was to spend our party just the four of us at the local outdoor pool. (For the sake of recording, the very first thing Beck did upon turning four that morning, was to, while I was in the shower for a minute, run outside with a black permanent marker and draw a large picture on the stucco wall and our garage door. So that was a good start to four, I think.)(Also for future reference, it turns out rubbing alcohol is the trick to removing permanent marker from anything, so even though that was the last thing we tried I was very happy for it.) For the entirety of his Birthday afternoon and evening, we swam and slid and jumped off diving boards and then, as the sun began to dip, we sat on a blue plastic table beneath a pepsi umbrella to sing happy birthday and blow out candles atop a tiny ladybug cake (that beck picked out himself)(tiny because only two out of four of us even like cake).
I think I've said this before (that's sarcasm, because I say it a lot) but simplicity is my jam. Give me a four year old who doesn't need or want for anything other than us together as a family on a warm day with a pool and some pizza. No crazy chaos, nothing fancy. Simple, just us and for that one night, no one else in the world.
It was perfect.
And in honor of his Birthday (three weeks ago, I know!) I have a little story to tell:
One of the most unique and special moments of my life so far was when I was pregnant with Beck, on the day that we found out that he was Beck, on the day of our ultrasound gender reveal. Up until that moment, neither Dan or I had any real instincts as to whether this might be a boy or a girl. But we did know that we would only have two kids, and so we discussed how nice a girl would be, you know, one of each! Perfect!
I remember being nervous and excited. I remember the small room, and the kind tech who ran the sonography probe back and forth across my belly, telling us all about the healthy baby moving around inside.
And then, at the end, she told us. "It is most definitely a boy." And I can't quite put the feelings that overcame me into words. It was like...coming home after a very long roadtrip. Or, like remembering a memory from a very long time ago, recalling something you had completely forgotten all about and having it hit you so suddenly that it takes your breath away.
Yes of course, a boy! It felt so right, and so silly that I hadn't known that all along. All at once this massive emotion hit me, where I REMEMBERED HIM. I knew him! I had known him before somehow., and I was instantly ecstatic to have him back in my life.
I don't think I will ever forget the magnitude of those feelings in that moment. It was incredible.
And anyway, now he is four. FOUR. I love it so much, the ages of both the boys, how they are growing and independent and no one is in diapers or drinking bottles or waking up all night and we have so much fun together, albeit there is a lot of energy between them so don't fall under any impressions about it being easy or anything. ;)
And as promised, here are the handful of pictures I took on the day Beck turned four! (I didn't post a picture of the permanent marker fiasco, it is still too soon for that.)
Nostalgia.
6/18/2018
Today we had a little bit of a cold front, which so far this Summer has happened quite often! And by quite often I mean, at least twice that I recall.
When I say cold front, I mean wind and occasional thunderstorms with the highs in the 80's instead of stagnant sitting heat with the highs in the 90's. That is a cold front, isn't it? Anyway, whatever it is it has been lovely. I always enjoy a good windy, scattered showers day to break up the heat of the summer here and there.
Currently, as I write this, I have tilapia baking in the oven and the back screen door is letting in bursts of cool air and I find this all to be very heavenly. The reason we are having fish for dinner tonight (we don't need a reason and it isn't unusual for us to have fish for dinner, but I'll tell you anyway) is that our freezer is in the midst of a crisis! Although that is dramatic, it really isn't a crisis, so much as...a mild malfunction, really. Two days ago we reached in the freezer to grab popsicles for the kids and found them to be slightly slushy juice instead. Nothing is frozen anymore, although it is all cold and so it could be so much worse, couldn't it?! But the point of this not-so-tragic and boring story is, I am cooking up all of the fish tonight so that we don't lose it to the thaw.
Summer so far (even with its cold fronts!) has been a dream. Almost every single weekend since Spring sprung we have towed our second home into the woods somewhere until we are forced to return. If not in the woods, we can be found spending our days first at the skate park, followed by a good cool off at the outdoor aquatic center, and then an evening winding down with some divine meat grilling on the back patio and some divine peach flavored something to wash it down with, and maybe a movie to watch after the kids go to bed!
That all sums up our summer-so-far quite nicely. I am always simmering in bucketloads of nostalgia from long summer days and, my favorite, easy happy country song worthy summer nights.
When I say cold front, I mean wind and occasional thunderstorms with the highs in the 80's instead of stagnant sitting heat with the highs in the 90's. That is a cold front, isn't it? Anyway, whatever it is it has been lovely. I always enjoy a good windy, scattered showers day to break up the heat of the summer here and there.
Currently, as I write this, I have tilapia baking in the oven and the back screen door is letting in bursts of cool air and I find this all to be very heavenly. The reason we are having fish for dinner tonight (we don't need a reason and it isn't unusual for us to have fish for dinner, but I'll tell you anyway) is that our freezer is in the midst of a crisis! Although that is dramatic, it really isn't a crisis, so much as...a mild malfunction, really. Two days ago we reached in the freezer to grab popsicles for the kids and found them to be slightly slushy juice instead. Nothing is frozen anymore, although it is all cold and so it could be so much worse, couldn't it?! But the point of this not-so-tragic and boring story is, I am cooking up all of the fish tonight so that we don't lose it to the thaw.
Summer so far (even with its cold fronts!) has been a dream. Almost every single weekend since Spring sprung we have towed our second home into the woods somewhere until we are forced to return. If not in the woods, we can be found spending our days first at the skate park, followed by a good cool off at the outdoor aquatic center, and then an evening winding down with some divine meat grilling on the back patio and some divine peach flavored something to wash it down with, and maybe a movie to watch after the kids go to bed!
That all sums up our summer-so-far quite nicely. I am always simmering in bucketloads of nostalgia from long summer days and, my favorite, easy happy country song worthy summer nights.
Goodbye Summer - 2017
9/15/2017
And just like that, Summer is over.
The leaves are changing, the cool air is settling in, the whole world smells of pumpkins and cinnamon. Fall is the season of my heart. Fall arrives as a pleasant relief, just as the heat of Summer has really settled into my bones and made me so weary. I am my most creative self in Autumn, on slow rainy days when the leaves are crimson and the world is quiet.
Over the Summer I deactivated my Facebook account, leaving myself only Instagram to post updates and write out my thoughts and poems. It has been a real detox of a Summer for me and I have come to some very soul enlightening realizations, such as the apparent fact that "busy" is the enemy. I am my worst self when I am busy. I need slow and simple in the same way I need water. I need small to-do lists and a humble amount of obligations. I need less chaos and more peace. I need time to think, to breathe, to really see the world around me.
I am grateful for all of these self discoveries I have made this year. I think all of us have inner whisperings, conversations of our souls telling us what we need and how to heal our cracks. We just need to be quiet enough to listen to them, and brave enough to follow.
Summer, you were wonderful and you taught us so much. Until next year!
river therapy
3/17/2017
(If you look really closely in those pics there, you'll see a little white spot beneath Dan's paddle, which is Jace's glove. He was laying down flat to stay warm.)
Some of our very dear friends just purchased their very own kayaks and we are thrilled to finally have some kayak buddies! We were so excited that we couldn't wait, so we have been taking out the kayaks the past couple of weekends. We are perhaps a tad overanxious for Spring in this, because the last outing was quite cold. But always worth it! I remember one year Dan and I went kayaking in the late Fall, way up the mountains to Tony Grove, where we FROZE our buns (hands, really) right off even beneath all of our layers, but when we left all rosy cheeked and numb we still couldn't stop smiling because it had been such a fun time. Truth be told, I might choose colder-day kayaking over hotter-day kayaking.
And anyway, the weather this week has rocked our socks off. Seventy-degrees and sunshine and mayyyybe the first time in my life that I have thoroughly loved daylight savings. Every day after work and school we go outside and, minus a short break for dinner, we stay there until the sun goes down. (Even after the sun goes down I have to drag the boys kicking and screaming to come back inside.) We could not be happier about these sun filled days! I have already logged in eight miles this week on the trails and I am going to be putting all of our winter gear in storage this weekend with a big fat GOOD RIDDANCE TO YA.
My apologies for being so annoyingly excited in this post. I'm really not that overly happy of a person, but my optimistic side really comes out of hibernation when Spring arrives. This past winter was especially hard and I have been beyond ready for the warmer weathered days.
Happy Friday to you and yours! Go enjoy some sunshine!
xoxo
Practicing Awareness
2/04/2017
For weeks I keep coming here to write, but time and time again I stare blankly at the blinking cursor for a while before I just give up and leave. I think I have so much to say that it is overwhelming.
So for now, here I am, writing something, posting anything.
Life has been so wonderful in a very strange way. I mean that to say, this year (all 33 days of it so far! 34 days?) has been so tremendously better than all of last year combined. Even with winter quite tragically kicking my behind. I have been craving blue skies and sunshine, bike rides and warm trail runs and camping and rock climbing and hiking and all of the things that fill my soul.
Even so. My emotional well-being since 2017 started has been rejuvenated.
At first I was baffled as to why, but I do have a theory:
Passing through December was like being kicked, hard, right in the gut, and when I was already down nonetheless. I hated December. I hated Christmas, I hated the one year anniversary of James' death. I cried and wallowed in sometimes gut-wrenching misery and tried to pretend everything was okay when really, I was just barely making it through.
And then suddenly, January hit. And with it, well, how do I explain this... It was as though I had been driving through a tunnel. A long, windy, very dark tunnel. And aside from a glimpse of dull light here and there coming through some cracks in the tunnel walls, it was all just darkness. It became reality. I coped and dug for courage and tried so hard to just accept it, that I was in this tunnel, that this was my new life now.
And then suddenly, after a long, long drive through the tunnel (an entire year of a drive), there I was, coming out the other side. Without any warning that I would be, I just...left the tunnel behind. I entered a whole new world and I will never have the chance to go back to the other side of the tunnel, but here in this new world it is open and spacious and there is light! There is sunshine! I can feel things that have been dead inside of me for a while now and I almost forgot they were there at all.
I think grief and life after loss is different for every single person. Some people say grief is like a snowflake because it is so very unique.
I still don't know how to really cope with and move past James not being here, his not being a physical part of our family anymore, the horrible reality that I will never ever see his face again in my lifetime, and the guilt that still surfaces from my not being able to save him before. I really truly don't think I will ever get past it. But it seems apparent to me now that the darkest and most miserable part of my grief lasted exactly one year. That year had some ups, some glimpses of hope and peace, but really a lot of downs, and I don't think a single day went by all year where I didn't cry. I was trying so hard, but I just couldn't manage all of the emotions inside of me.
But, for whatever reason, it seems that one year was the amount of time it took before someone lifted the heavy anvil off my chest. I'm just sure it will never be easy and James being gone is still absolutely surreal, but I am learning so much more this year already about peace than I learned all of last year combined.
I have real hope. And not the temporary hope that will go away tomorrow, the kind I dealt with off and on all of 2016. I feel like I finally have real hope.
I have also been acutely practicing awareness for the past month and it has been so incredibly rewarding.
Do you ever feel like maybe people these days are so distracted and obliviously passing by all of the beauty surrounding them, that perhaps the universe puts on an extra brilliant show for the people that are actually putting forth the effort to pay attention? I do. I feel it on the daily. I see so many beautiful displays, the kind that take my breath away, and then I see everyone else just passing through their day completely oblivious to what they would see if they would just stop and look.
Have you ever seen flocking birds move in unison, dancing and swooping, as if choreographed? Pelicans and geese will fly in their flocks that usually form v-shapes, but I am talking about the clusters that are usually starlings or shorebirds or, what I see most often, blackbirds. They fly in dense groups and make all of their swoops and turns in unison, as though they are doing a dance. It is beautiful.
There are so many ancient and even modern beliefs about birds, birds as spirits or Gods, birds as omens and signs. I am obsessed with birds. I love them all but I have noticed my awareness is centered on black birds in-particular. I see them everywhere. It seems as though they know I am watching and so they go out of their way to make sure they are always around, putting on great shows, swooping in front of me, saying hello. And the truth is, I had never noticed these dancing birds until this year, but suddenly, with the practice of awareness, I am seeing them all of the time. Every single day.
I wonder how often they were there in years past and I just passed on by without noticing them at all.
xoxo
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