1/15/2013

I want to fly to the moon.

Today at work we girls were talking about girly things, as we sometimes do, and somehow the hot flashes we will someday have to endure came into topic. Which led me to say the sentence that I've probably repeated at least one million times in my life so far.

"Being a woman is just the worst. We sure got the raw end of the deal!"

And everyone agreed of course. Picture a baptist church choir of women in the background, "Amen sista!" "MMMhhhmmMM!" "You said it!"

I was thinking tonight. After I carefully took off my eye makeup, washed my face, exfoliated, lotioned my face, lotioned my body, brushed my teeth, brushed my hair. And would you know, the hubs gets ready for bed in two seconds time. And that's IF he decides he needs to brush his teeth at all. How did he get so lucky anyway? But that's beside the point. After I washed and lotioned, I stared at myself in the mirror and the strangest thing happened. Unlike the usual flaw searching that I tend to do, I somehow found myself admiring the good that I most always overlook. I embraced my freckled, sunless face and saw that it was lovely. I paid heed to the hue of blue that swims in my eyes, one I've never really noticed before. I decided I like how thin my lips are and how sharp my jawline draws.

I then sat down in my closet. Sat down on the floor, I mean, and just stared. I stared at all of my jeans folded neatly into their piles, sorted by style and color and design. My tops hung in their sorted sections of sweaters and blouses and vests and stripes. My boots and shoes lining the shelves high and low. My hats and scarves and necklaces. All symbols of something, though I couldn't quite figure out what. I thought to myself, well if this isn't just ridiculous?! Is this what defines me, how many things I have hanging in my closet?

I am 28 years old, and I am still trying to figure out who I am. But really, aren't we all? Or is it just me? I have a post-it note stuck to my bathroom mirror, where I wrote in a pink sharpie marker: "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you someone else, that is the greatest accomplishment." I don't want to look a certain way for anyone else. I don't want to dress for anyone else. I want to be who I am, who I really am, deep down inside. Without any need for excuses or requital.

I want to be real. Really real. The world these days is full of women that get lost in fake. It's turning into the norm to have fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake boobs, fake tans. Surgeries and countless money dropped on products that are made solely to change the things you don't like about yourself. I think it's all too easy, as a woman, to get wrapped up in being fake. In that you're just not enough. In that you feel the constant desire to one up every woman around you. It's a trap that I wish we could always avoid falling into.

I've always basked in the simplistic beauties. Women who are effortless and rare and true to themselves in all forms. Those are the most beautiful women to me. And in my quest to figure out myself, my sense of style, my ability to love myself, flaws and all, I constantly find myself reminded of how much I long to be simplistic and real.

And anyway, there is a point here. That being: I have an itching, a craving, to do something drastic. Not in a midlife crisis kind of way, but in a I want to be true to myself kind of way. I want to cut my long hair a few inches so that it takes less time to style. I want to clean out my closet-I mean really clean that thing out, until it's almost empty and left only with the few things I wear most often instead of the million things I hardly wear at all. I want to throw out my faux tan. I want to drink cowboy coffee in the mornings and do yoga before bed and listen to nat king cole & ray lamontagne without retribution. I want to take all the cares of what anyone else in the world besides the love of my life thinks about me, and throw those right out the window. I want to write a book. I want to travel the world with my little family. I want to eat only organic. I want to live in the city. I want to wear confidence like I've never worn it before and embrace my differences with other women, even accept them. I want to love everyone without question, every person I ever meet.

I want to fly to the moon.

6 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness. As cheesy as this sounds, you've awoken something in me. I always try to remember my five year old self who was hardly tainted by this world and how, even though she still comes out sometimes, is so different from who I am today. Sometimes I want that feisty, free spirited, happy go lucky girl back. The one who wore her favorite sweater because it had cute little ladybugs on it,,,instead of wearing it to impress her friends - which I do more often than I'd like to admit. I just recently almost chopped off all of my hair just to get my uniqueness back. It's so hard to find a balance between looking nice but "thrown together" vs looking completely done up

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    1. Exactly!! I think that ALL the time, how much I miss that little girl I once was! It's easier said than done to become the carefree person. But it's worth trying!!

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  2. I'm 49 and still trying to figure out who I am... and I did cut my hair, drastically clean out the closet (whole house, actually), move to the opposite side of the country for love, drink what I want, listen to what I like, pretty apologetically (but not in a mean way) state whatever is on my mind, and all that kind of stuff. I think I'm pretty authentic in that what you see is what you get and I'm not going to change just to impress you sort of way but I still haven't figured out what my purpose in life is. Do we ever? Or does that keep changing as we do?

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    1. That is EXACTLY my question. And I really think you're right, I think we will always be changing & rediscovering these things. It's really the journey of figuring it all out that's the fun part. Right??

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  3. AaaaAAAAMen sister! Love it all. May I recommend a YouTube channel that I refer to for yoga before bed: Tara Stiles http://www.youtube.com/user/TaraStilesYoga/videos?flow=grid&view=1. I do her weight loss playlist (3-4 videos) by lamplight before bed when no one is around or watching, it has been so nice. xoxo Erin

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    1. Thank you ma'lady!!! I looked her up and I'm excited already! I will try starting today! Keep those recommendations coming, I can use all of them I'm sure. :)

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