6/06/2013

Giving up the fight and defeating my demon.

Have you watched this yet?

While that clip is spot on and hilarious...

In real life, it's not very funny. Because the honest truth of who I am is that sleep is my worst enemy. It's my fault and my weakness. It's my achilles heel. My demon. The allure of sleep sneaks into my mind and consumes my thoughts, making it hard to accomplish much needed tasks. If I don't get enough sleep at night it takes the best parts from me and replaces them with someone that I'm not. It takes away my patience and replaces it with an easy-to-anger tempurment. It takes away my rationality and replaces it with illogical and unreasonable antics.

When I don't get enough sleep, I become someone I don't want to be.

I do love the early mornings and the quiet they bring. I love the coolness that wafts through the air in my home. I love tiptoeing down the stairs so as to not wake any sleeping babies. Morning runs outside in the fresh air while watching the sun peeking over the mountain, it's radiant orange hues coloring the sky. Boiling water in the kettle, while the rays of the rising sun shine through the blinds. I love the early morning news on quietly in the background while I sip on my cup of tea. I love the sense of accomplishment that comes from first waking up my soul in the silence of the waking world before the whirlwind of a busy day sets in.

But even with my love of mornings, it's not just pushing past my weakness of waking from a deep slumber and getting out of bed. That part is difficult in itself, but it's doable. The real challenge to starting the day early is controlling who I become later in the day. When five o'clock rolls around and the sleep deprivation brings out all of the qualities in me that I don't want to posess. When it makes me that person that I don't want to be.

I have a grand idea in my head of the kind of mom I am and will continue to be. I have one child who is two years old and I am very aware that I have many challenges ahead of me as he passes through different stages in life. But I have found that by focusing all of my energy into being the mom I want to be, 95% of the time I can really be her. I slip up now and again, and I'm always exhausted at the end of the day because of the energy I have exerted into making sure I don't slip up as much as possible. But I've learned that as with anything else, it is always doable when I really set my mind to it.

I am the mom who keeps a cool head, and when she can't she puts herself on time out instead of her child. I am the mom who doesn't explode with rage when I lack patience. I am the mom who my child will never be afraid of when they accidentally knock over their juice cup or spill a bag of rice on the kitchen floor, because juice can be wiped up and rice can be swept. I am the mom who will always find time to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I am the mom who will be on the front row taking an overload of pictures in every event of their life. I am the mom who will dispense too many hugs and kisses, and say too many I love you's.

And sleep is the demon that threatens to ruin the mom that I am putting all of my energy and heart and soul into being. Sleep is the one thing that has the power to do that to me.

There is a constant battle going on in my head. The battle of finding time to go running, finding time to work out at the gym, finding time to write. It never fails to be the first answer that comes to my mind when I sit myself down and try to find a way to accomplish more things: mornings. It's the solution to the problem, it's what anyone else would do. And although I wish it could be different, after months of wrestling the idea in my mind and trying to make it work, I know the sacrifices are too great.

For your information, I have given up the fight. In order to be the person I love being, I have to forgo the idea of getting up before 7:00 in the morning. For whatever reason it is who I am and it is how it has to be. My husband can live off of five hours of sleep just fine, but I'm learning it's not the case for me. I'm coming to grips and accepting the idea, more now since I had my little guy than ever before. Because it's not fair to a sweet, innocent boy who needs his mom to teach him about life in the most patient way possible. It's not fair if his mom turns into someone she isn't, someone who isn't good for him or her, solely because she didn't get the sleep that she needed.

I find when I wake up between 7:30 and 8:00 (at the earliest, of course) I am my very best self all day long. Not just long enough to be a good mom, but long enough to be a good wife at the end of the day too. After little dude goes to bed and it's just the hubs and I for a few hours, time together when we can unwind and chat and be husband and wife without a toddler needing our attention at any given time.

Life is too short for us to remain the worst versions of ourselves. The struggle that comes from my finding the time to get things done is a struggle that I will always battle with, but conquering another struggle in return is a feat that I don't take lightly. Recognizing the problem before it takes over and finding another turn on the path to becoming my best self - CHECK.

PS what are your demons?

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