4/17/2014

a week in pictures + my zen

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Today I am thankful for iced coffee and prenatal yoga. I don’t do prenatal yoga often enough, is the truth. But sometimes my hips ache all night and I don’t sleep a wink, so I wake up before the sun and I get my yoga on. Following which I feel truly amazing and I wonder why the heck I don’t do this every single day like I’m supposed to.

So thanks to those two godsends, even though I only slept a few hours last night I’m feeling quite all right today.

This week I’ve really been tuning in to my zen in order to maintain a positive attitude and some sanity. Because the thing is, as I grow up I’m learning a lot of lessons in life that you can only learn the hard way. And in the end sometimes those kinds of lessons prove to be the very best ones. I am easily dragged down by people if I let myself be. Sometimes it’s hard to let go, which is why I tend not to. My tendency is to fight to make everyone happy. But would you know, it turns out that you can’t make everyone happy. And even though it’s hard for someone with my personality to really let go, to stop putting forth effort and trying so hard, it turns out that letting go is sometimes the best thing for my peace and sanity.

I'm learning that sometimes people just bring out the worst in each other and I’m not sure why. But there are people in my life who bring out the pieces of me that I hate, the qualities in me that I work so hard to overcome. So even though I inevitably try to work through it and fight who I become with those people, I’ve learned that it’s a battle I won’t win. I’ve learned that even though it’s not easy, sometimes letting go is the better option.

These demeaning relationships also remind me of how much I appreciate the good ones. Holy moly do I have some amazing people in my life, and thank the heavens for them! I love people that I can be myself around without reservations, without any fear of judgment or worry of impressing. I love people who accept me for who I am and who offer themselves the same way. I love people who lift me higher, who give me confidence, who make me laugh. I love people that make me want to be better. Those kinds of people are treasures.
As I’ve tranquilized myself against the toxic relationships in my life, I’ve also been working on not taking for granted the really great ones. I want to be good to them like they are to me. I want them to know that they’re amazing, so I tell them more often. I make time for them in my busy schedule. I try to be around them more because that’s what I need, uplifting people. I think deep down that’s what everyone needs. But what do I know?

And this lesson I’ve learned comes at the perfect time in my life because now I’m raising my own family. I’ve got this kid who is only three and is already pretty dang amazing. He blows my mind every day. Like every mom, I’m just hoping that I’m raising him right and even though I have very questionable days, most days I really think I am. And now we have another boy on the way, and soon it will be the four of us taking on the world together. It’s so vital to me that these boys grow up knowing they can be themselves without reservation in our home. Knowing that our home is their safe haven and will always be a place of refuge from the cruelness of the world. Knowing that our love for each other is never failing. Never worrying that we will not accept them for anything. It’s so important to me that Dan and I are the relationships that lift them higher, have confidence in them, encourage them and make them want to be better people while they are growing and creating themselves.

By distancing myself from the relationships that drag me down, I am allowing myself to raise my boys in a better environment. Keeping myself away from negativity in my own life reflects on my family’s life and who they become just as much as it affects me and who I’m becoming. It may have taken me a long time to learn, but the relief that comes from letting go of the weight carried from toxic relationships is incredible.

Some days it's my weakness while other days it's my strength. But there are things that sometimes you have to take day by day, and so I do. I breathe in love and breathe out negativity and I keep on breathing. What else can we do, I suppose?

And anyway. I'm just thankful for the good things this week has brought. For the ten hours of sleep I got on Tuesday night. For this sunny spring weather and early morning walks with the sunrise. For prenatal yoga and meditation and joyful pregnancy affirmations to lift me higher. For delicious cupcakes. For prayer. For a husband who does all of the dishes and scratches my back when I need it the most. For self tanner and desperate housewives and comfortable leggings. For a new cod recipe that really hit the spot. For this wiggly worm inside of me that keeps me company all day and night long. For the beauty of nature that is so easily at our disposal. For a three year old that never gets tired of playing with me. And for the lessons learned that have let negativity out and brought peace in. Right now, I'm especially grateful for that.

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