7/14/2014

when lacking sleep


The hardest thing about being a mother is that your own needs are always put last.

I can't tell you how many times my full bladder has had to wait because there is a sleepy babe in my arms or a hungry boy at the table. How many times I've really needed to sleep, but it can't be had because there is a hungry baby in my arms that is dependent on me to survive or a sweet crying boy who had a nightmare and needs consoling. How many times I have realized with the grumble of my stomach in the late afternoon that I haven't yet eaten anything that day.

And the thing about being a mother is that it just comes natural, putting their needs before my own. I chose it. I chose this path when I decided to bring these babes into the world.

And when I finally find that I have a small amount of time for myself, the list of things I should do goes on and on. I should wash my greasy ponytail hair that hasn't seen shampoo in nine days. I should go on a run, because I still have baby weight to lose. I should do the dishes that have been piling high in the sink and are now overflowing onto the counters. But inevitability I choose sleep, because of all of the things I should do, sleep is the only thing I actually need in order to survive.

And I don't just lay my head on a pillow and go to sleep. I walk to the couch or the bedroom filled with guilt for not doing the millions of things that I wish I could be doing instead of sleeping. I lay down and try to push thoughts out of my head, thoughts of my pudgy belly and my dirty home and my greasy hair. As I close my eyes, I think about all of the reasons why I'm not enough, and I wish I could be more.

And then I allow myself to fall asleep.

^^ i wrote that a few weeks ago, at my lowest point of lacking sleep. that first month of a babies life is purely survival mode, i tell you.

and now i'm here at five weeks since b arrived, and i have some great news: there is a light at the end of the no-sleep tunnel and i'm seeing it shining brightly! three nights in a row now that b has slept at least five hours straight. one night he slept six hours! someone get me a margarita, we need to celebrate!

i'm getting my energy back. i'm staying up at 6:00 in the morning to go running or go to the gym or do yoga. i'm feeling inspired. and best of all, my patience is returning and heaven help my entire family, we needed that patience.

when you have a newborn baby, sometimes in desperate moments you honestly wonder how you will survive. if there is one thing i have learned since becoming a mom, it's that i can do hard things. i just show up and try my best and somehow, somehow we always make it through.

on another note, i love our beckers like crazy. he is so handsome and so sweet and so special. i love that feeling, of how truly special they are and how much heaven they bring into our home just by being here. they are sweet little miracles, these babies.

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