6/08/2016

And now, he is two.





Today my baby woke up a two year old.

Two years ago today, this very minute, I was on a high far better than any drug you could offer me. After Beck was born I was practically floating, like a feather gracefully drifting through the air. I was so ecstatic on life, so in love and euphoric and full of energy. It was an oxytocin high! In preparation for his Birthday I was looking through baby pictures, and just looking at them brought back all of the blissful feelings from that high, in the same way you smell an evergreen candle and it transports you to Christmas with a stupid smile on your face.

I attribute so much of what I have today to Beck. Of course both of my boys gave me such different things when they came into the world. Jace arrived and made me a mom. He molded me into a new sense of self, he gave me brand new first time experiences and showed me more love than I ever thought possible. I will always have that connection with Jace.

Beck? He made me brave. I swear to you, Beck sparked a match inside of me. Beck inspired me. He ignited my sense of adventure in life like tipping a glass of gasoline over top of a burning campfire. He gave me a new enthusiasm for existence that I could never explain other than to say it was pure magic, the way he changed me when he was born.

So far in the past five years of my being a parent, one thing that has been consistent is that each year, just before a Birthday, there is a tremendous maturation that occurs in some form or another. It is so very ironic that this development happens literally weeks within our celebrating such a huge milestone as another year passing.

For Beck, this blooming in age has been in what proved to be my biggest nemesis of stages with B so far: sleep! I said my farewells to sleep this past year. For whatever reason, sweet B would wake up at least once a night, at least five days a week, for most of the past year.

But it has been just a couple of weeks now, I suppose in preparation for his turning two, that we suddenly turned a corner in the sleep department. It has been amazing. Beck has been sleeping all night, every night, without making a peep. And if this is all two years old brings me, well I WILL TAKE IT AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

The truth is that our making the decision to have Beck be our last child has made these past two years so much more lovely. Because for me, this toddler stage is by far the hardest stage. And the knowledge that he is my last, the awareness that I will (forbidding some unlikely and unforeseen circumstances) not be going through any of these stages as a mother again, has allowed me so much more joy through the exhaustion.

Because of this, I am able to see these stages for what they are. This past year he went from a baby to a toddler, and this next year he will go from a toddler to a boy, and it all goes so very fast. I am looking forward to passing some of these stages, but this is it for me. He is my baby, and so I am just holding tight and trying to enjoy the crazy ride. And I know with his unafraid and enthusiastic excitement for life, this next year will likely bring me even more exhaustion so...thank you Beck, for keeping me young.

Beck is sweet, sweet sunshine. He is funny and handsome and brave and daring, and I couldn't love him any more than I already do, I just couldn't. My heart is so full.

Happy Birthday bear cub! We love you so!

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