7/08/2016

real life


Two nights ago, not last night but the night before, Rockie had an unfortunate accident outside of Beck's room while I was putting B to bed. It was the kind of accident that requires windows open and fans on and big heavy duty wet vacuums to clean up. And then not twenty minutes after the clean up, it happened again. Ultimately she had to sleep on the back patio all night, because she couldn't be trusted. And it was really just all my fault because I had given her an entire can of tuna the day before, which I knew was the reasoning for this god awful stink from a sick dog! I know we need to learn the lessons, but the repercussions from those first mistakes where we are learning the lesson is hard.

And then last night, as in six hours ago, Jace woke up at 3:00 in the morning crying that his ear hurt. Lots of medicine and warm washcloths and moving to the couch downstairs and crying some more, topped off by an unfortunate timed bloody nose, and here it is, nine o'clock, nine eighteen to be exact, and I will need allllllllllll the coffee to get me through today.

I don't always handle these mother moments with class you know. I tend to drop a lot of inappropriate swear words under my breath and sometimes, most often the times when my night's rest is on the line, I can be found genuinely discouraged that my life is the worst and that I hate being a mom.

I don't hate being a mom, mind you. But ask me if I hate being a mom at three in the morning when I am up with a sick child and I will probably be in a drunken, sad, sleep deprived state enough to answer a bold YES ninety-nine percent of the time.

I think that being a mother is a part of me in ways that I would never have dreamed life could have been. I think that these experiences, while wearying and testing and terribly exhausting, are giving me this full life experience. I don't think I am more fulfilled because I am a mom, not at all. I think I could have found a way to be fulfilled fully as a person with or without having children. But I do think that having them in my life, from carrying them inside of me to pushing them out of me to everything that it has entailed since, has given me more fullness of stark contrast and emotions and selfless love that I would never otherwise have experienced.

It feels like life should be hard. It feels like I should have to wake up at three in the morning now and again with a sick child. It feels like this is all teaching me something that I need to learn.

And anyway, I did not get enough sleep to be talking so philosophically, so I will stop myself there! It is Friday and I suppose in some ways, that is really all that matters. Thank you God for Fridays, Amen.




xoxo

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