Because sometimes I feel so ordinary.

I don't usually watch the presidential debates. And tonight, I remember why. I was a wreck, I tell you! A squirmy, fidgety wreck! I hate the tension and the meanness. I hate the biased mediator. I hate the fake smiles and the fake laughs and the lies! Ugh, I hate debates.

So anyway, here I am writing on the blog to "wind down". Breathe, I keep telling myself. It's all over. Breathe.

Soooo, I thought about blogging today. You know, because my weekly editions are supposed to help me keep a better schedule and what not. And I do have quite the thought that has been weighing on my mind lately. So here I am, to share it with you, as I {most} always do.

And it might start out sounding a little drab, but don't be fooled-it's not.

See, sometimes...well really, a lot of times, I feel very mediocre. (And seriously, don't even ask me how many times I just tried to spell that before I had to google it!)

But I do. I really do feel just plain old ordinary. And please tell me I'm not the only one? It's just that I see so many fantastic people that do so many fantastic things. And I feel like I try, and I have high hopes and dreams and ambitions. (sing along!) But then I feel like I most always come out just so...mediocre! I feel like that's how I've been my whole entire life, in everything. I do "just fine", but I never really "excel".

And here's the thing. I'm 28 years old. And I wrote 27 first, before I had to delete the 7 and replace it with an 8. Because I forget, I'm a whole year older now! And this is the truth. The truth, the truth is...I love getting older. (gasp!) I mean sure, those gosh darn wrinkles around my eyes are getting more pronounced and I'm not exactly excited about them. But for me, when it comes to getting older the good far outweighs the bad.

Every year I'm learning and growing so much that it's kind of ridiculous. I feel like I have skyrocketed to the moon since where I was 10 years ago. And I continue to learn, everyday. I'm figuring out who I'm becoming, and who I want to be. I mean the real stuff,who I really want to be, what I really want out of life. Not just the high school version of what I thought life was about. I'm learning through living, and if that's not the real stuff well then I don't know what is!

And if we're being honest, which I am, of course... Each year I feel less and less "mediocre". And even though I still feel like I don't excel the way I want to...I feel that I am *this close* (holds thumb and index finger an inch apart) to finally being something more than that. Closer than I ever have been before.

It hasn't been easy. No sir, it's been far from easy! But I look around me and I'm amazed at how every stumbling block I've crossed in life so far has created a path to walk on. A path that has led me here, to where I am. And I have no doubt in my mind this is where I need to be. Here in this house that I love with all my heart. Here, married to the man who is my best friend. The man who I share a connection with, a connection that I couldn't have with any other person in this entire universe! Here with my sweet little boy, the start to our family together. I really couldn't ask for more!

But here, I'm gaining more ambitions. I have more goals and dreams, of hopes that are not only looking attainable but that really put a shine in my heart when I think about them. Do you have any of those? Any dreams for your life, that if you thought about living would really put a sparkle in your eyes??

I'm on the verge, you guys. The verge of greatness!

And if there is one thing I'm really learning, it's that you can't dwell on the past. I can't stew in what I should have done, what I should have pursued, who I should have been to help me better where I am now. Because what does that accomplish? Not-a-thing, that's what. No, the past is the past. If I want to feel more than ordinary, then now is the time to do it!

I have a feeling husband and I are going to have a fantastic, eye-opening year. I have a feeling good things are on their way. I have a feeling that my mediocre days are going to be far behind me. And I just. can't. wait.

Because sometimes, Mondays aren't what everyone says they are.

I know you are reading this on tuesday, but as I'm writing this it's actually Monday night. I'm sitting in the front room typing on my netbook, with a bowl of chocolate chips (and I swear to you, the "shursavings chocolate flavored chips" are just not worth the savings! note to self: get the good stuff.) and a pile of freshly folded towels next to me, while watching dancing with the stars. (this season is just ahh-mazz-ing!)

Ten minutes ago my J man came over to me, grabbed my hand and made me follow him upstairs, where he walked into his bedroom and asked to go to bed. Now if that's not just the cutest thing?! Bless his sweet little heart. The kid can have 10 temper tantrums in one day, and then he does something like that and I forget every single scream fit. Oh how I love him.

And really, why I'm here...can I just tell you how much I love mondays? I mean, saturdays and sundays, well those are great too. Family time, fun time, relaxation time... yes, the weekends are fabulous, I won't deny that. But MONDAYS. Oh mondays, sometimes they are the best.

To give you an idea, I'm going to have to do a little play-by-play rundown. Bear with me?

You see, on mondays I get to come home from working out and stay sweaty all morning, without having to get dressed or put any makeup on right away. Or, as happens most often lately, I get to just sleep in until J wakes up!

Then I get to spend the day with my little guy. Sure, I mean sometimes he is a lot to handle. Especially since he hit this "terrible twos" stage. Which is really surprising to me, since he's not even two yet! But here we are with a child that sometimes resembles a bipolar man. One minute he will be the cutest little boogaboo that you ever did see, but the next minute he will be sprawled on the floor screaming his little heart out and acting completely irrational. And really, thank goodness for the world wide web, so I can google "the terrible twos" and read many articles that make me realize that my child is actually completely normal!

But even with his stages, with his tantrums and his screaming, I get to be with him, and that's all that really matters sometimes. I get to clean and get little things done, the kind of things that find a way to stay under the radar all week long when I'm too exhausted to do them. I get to blast the music and we dance around the house, while my little guy helps me vacuum and dust. Then I put J man down for his daily nap, and I finally get out of my sweats and get ready for the day. I take an extra long shower, and I get the luxury of having the time to let my hair air dry! Fantastic, I tell you.

By 3:00 in the afternoon we are done with cleaning and naps, I'm ready for the day, and we get to decide what fun things to do until daddy gets home. Sometimes we go to the park. Sometimes we run errands. Sometimes we tour the construction trucks in the lots all around our neighborhood. Sometimes, depending on the weather, we go to the pool, or the riverwalk, or the carls jr playplace.

And I get to plan dinner! Coming home from work and trying to plan dinner, that gets annoyingly exhausting. But on mondays, I can start thawing the chicken at 11:00 in the morning, or I can go grab those last minute groceries that I forgot so I can make something yummy.

And then my day most often ends with my house being clean, my to-do list being checked, and my heart being full.

I get one day where I feel like a stay-at-home mama.

You know, I'm very aware that there are ups and downs to every career path we choose. And working part-time, I feel like I have a little dose of both stay at home moms as well as working moms. I am aware of the struggles that would come with not having much adult time, cleaning puke off your shirt ten times a day seven days a week, and not having the opportunity to get outside of the home as much.

I know that staying home full time could get depressing. I know that it's a lot of work. I know that I would go stir crazy.

I sure love my job, and I love my life. But juggling a career AND a family, well that's a lot of work! My family, they will always and forever be my number one priority. Being a mother and a wife, the heart of my home, will always be my number one goal.

And if we're being completely honest (can I give myself a second to be full of confidence?), I'm pretty sure I'm doing a fabulous job of being both a great mom and a working mom.

But for me, overall, staying at home full time with my little guy would be a luxury in life.

And on mondays, I get a small taste of that luxury.

And I just. love. it.

Because sometimes I am irrational...

I know I seem all tough and strong (ha!), but just so you know, that's not the case. See, I'm actually afraid of some things. Like spiders. I would play with a snake or a lizard, or even a mouse! any day, but an itty-bitty spider comes crawling by my feet and I'm standing on the couch screaming like a little girl! Really, what is it about those creepy crawly little things that can cause an adult woman to lose all rational thinking and act like a child?? It's embarrassing, really.

And if that's not bad, I have a good friend who is DEATHLY afraid of MOTHS. Moths! Those harmless and cool yet sort of ugly looking things that hang out by the porch lights all night long?! Really, she could be talking to the president of the united states, and if a moth flew by her she would run around the room like she is having a seizure and scream. Poor girl! But when I say 'poor girl', I really mean it's HILARIOUS! And it might have been the entertainment of all college jokes... poor girl...

Well anyway, spiders and moths, those are fears that are to be accepted. A lot of people are afraid of those, right? Well I'm going to let you in on a little bit of my crazy. I have some fears...some REAL fears, that are a *tad* irrational, if you will.

SHARKS. Okay, not terrible right? I mean, a lot of people are afraid of sharks, right? Well I live in Utah friends. Not anywhere near an ocean. But put me in a lake, where I am very aware there are no sharks living, and I'll still have a panic attack if I picture a shark underneath me. Let alone going in the ocean! My heavens, just try getting me in an ocean. And this, I blame my brother for letting me watch Jaws when I was a wee lad. But shark week on the discover channel? I will watch it all day everyday. Because watching sharks while being many miles away from the ocean? That I can do.

AIRPLANES. Well not flying on airplanes. That would be a semi-normal fear, right? No, that's not my fear at all. My fear is this... that an airplane will fall from the sky and land on my house. My house, or whatever building I'm in. Seriously you guys, if I hear an airplane engine outside in the sky, 9 out of 10 times I stop what I'm doing to listen carefully and start planning an escape route in my head. I suppose I'm listening for the engine to get louder and faster. Because of course, that would mean it is uncontrollably falling in my general direction, and I need to get the h out of there! But thank goodness, that hasn't happened to me yet. Just many false alarms.

AIRBAGS. Whaa?? Yes, I'm afraid of them. What I'm afraid of is that the airbag will randomly deploy while I'm driving. This also has never happened to me... but I worry about it all of the time! I even scoot the seat back farther and make sure my head is resting against the headrest behind me, when I'm really worried about it. You know, just in case I need to be out of the way when that thing malfunctions! Has this ever even happened to anyone?? I'm too afraid to google it, that would just egg on my fear. So...if you have heard of it happening, don't tell me.

I would say those are my top three crazy fears. And maybe even my actual top three fears, not even just the crazy ones! Well, besides spiders of course. And that girl from The Ring. And public speaking.

Otherwise, I am a totally sane and normal human being.

Because sometimes I need to slow down.

Yesterday was a long day, full of lots to get done and chasing a one year old around all day! After dinner I asked Jace and Rockie if they wanted to go on a walk, to which the definitive YES was anonymous. (Jace says it, Rockie acts it by running to the door and wagging her stumpy little tail...) Sooo we headed out to our visit our trusty friend, the park down the street.

Little guy wasted the night away climbing up and down the stairs, going up and down the slide, and continually packing down the woodchips we stood on. "Siidde!" (slide) and "Pane!" (airplane) were repeated over and over again, along with his over exaggerated fake laugh that he does so often, whenever he is having so much fun that he just HAS to let me know. Oh that loud laugh, I swear I will never get tired of hearing it. And the cheesy little crooked toothed grin he flashes, my goodness it's to die for I tell you!

As I watched the happiest boy in the world, while the sky was turning pink and the darkness was quickly surrounding us, I thought about how badly I wished I could bottle this moment up and keep it forever. Because it was perfect, really. And this little boy that is growing up before my very eyes, I wish I could just tell him to STOP for a minute and stay small! There are a million moments in every day that I wish I could bottle up, because I don't ever want to forget them!

Which gets me thinking about something that weighs on my mind a lot these days...do you ever feel like everyone in the whole wide world is in a hurry for life? And do you ever wonder, why in the world are we in such a hurry?! Get out of high school, start college! Quick, get married! Ohhh my goodness, hurry and have kids! Buy a house! Have more kids! Keep having kids! Make more money! Be somebody! Do more! Keep going! Hurry, hurry!!

I'll tell you what, it's just silly. And exhausting! Who wants to look back at the end of their life and wonder why they were in such a hurry for everything?? So often lately I find myself living in the moment, soaking up the good times. I find myself loving so much about my life right now, just the way it is. And I shouldn't feel guilty for that, right?

But I do, sometimes. I am surrounded by people who have children 2 years apart. Surrounded! And I feel guilty sometimes because, that's not for me. I want to soak up the toddler years with my little guy before I bring another baby around. I feel guilty sometimes because I was in such a hurry to buy a house. Don't get me wrong, I love our house! I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. But sometimes, ie. when we are paying the mortgage every month, I wonder why I was in such a hurry to jump into such a huge responsibility??

Well you know, this is what we do in life. We live and learn. And if there is one thing I'm learning nowdays it's this: "keeping up" with everyone is ridiculous. Being in a hurry is going to turn into something I will regret.

And maybe I've been thinking about this so much, because my birthday is almost here. I'm surrounded by girls my age who feel "old". Is that laughable or what?? I feel so young! And I refuse to let anyone tell me otherwise. Besides, I plan on living until I'm 93. I mean, that's a long time to live! And just so you know, I plan on dying peacefully in my sleep. Luckily, I get to plan these things.

Anyway, the point is...what's the rush??!

One can only see clearly
When one is going slowly
Quick motion creates a life-blur.
~Terri Guillemets

PS if you're looking for some motivation in life (and really, aren't we all??!), go watch this. Amazing, inspiring, and so true!

Because sometimes, those dishes in the sink can wait.

{rockie's very favorite play place, the canal}

Sometimes I feel like superwoman. I get up early to workout, I eat a good breakfast, I have time to play with my little man before we are off to preschool and work. I work an 8 hour shift, getting things done and feeling all accomplished and whatnot. I pick up the little guy, we come home, I cook up a nice dinner. (hamburger helper is a nice dinner, right?) We gather around the table and eat, and then head out for a walk around the town or over to the park down the street. We play outside until the sun goes down. I give little man his nightly bath, then bundle him in his towel and read him 3 books while he warms up. Get into pj's, put him to sleep... and I still have time to do some dishes, clean up the house, call some friends to chat and then snuggle with my main man on the couch while we watch the evening news!

Tonight, well...tonight was not one of those nights. This morning, well that was good! And today, I really felt I accomplished a lot! But the working day's 8 hours, well, they found a way to suck the energy right out of me. After getting home, I got J man a hot dog, string cheese, and a banana while my ramen noodles cooked on the stove top. After washing it down with a cream soda, I had a big bowl of honey nut chex for dessert. All while sitting in front of the tv watching prime time. Oh, and did I mention that the first thing I did when I got home from work is put on my sweatpants??

Well finally after little guy begged me to go outside, and lucky for him there were really no good tv shows on tonight, I mustered all the energy I could and we headed out the door for a quick walk to the park.

Well really, thank goodness I found the energy! We had a lovely walk! It was a beautiful sunset, and just cool enough for a jacket and jeans. Little man was all bundled in his blanket. The Rockster weaved in and out of the street, chasing the birds. It was short, but a sweet breath of fresh air in my lazy evening!

And then, don't mind that we came straight home, skipped bath time and went straight to reading, then put little man down to bed so I could plop my buns back on the couch and eat half the bag of chocolate chips! (In which, as soon as I heard husband pull up out front, I ran and hid the chocolate chips because I was so ashamed. but now he is going to read this, and he'll know about it anyway! which begs the question...should I have just finished the whole bag??)

Soooo I wasn't superwoman today, so what right? I have big plans of popping a benedryl soon and getting a good nights rest. And really, I don't feel a bit guilty. Because sometimes, even superwoman gets a break!

PS husband dearest, if you indeed are reading this...I vow that one day I will do the dishes more often! Can you imagine, coming home to that perfect wife who has shrimp skewers on the table and a clean sink every night?? well, keep dreaming. But really, one day, I will at least do my fair share! One day...