Because it's okay to feel this way.

This week so far has been pretty darn miserable.

Before Sunday when my sweet Grandma passed away, I had big plans of a big blog post with lots of pictures from our weekend. Because this was the first weekend I felt summer deep in my soul. It was hot and humid and filled with fresh fruits and adventures like splash pads and farmers markets and three trips a day to the park. It was glorious.

But then Sunday came and the weekend went downhill pretty fast. Since then I've been a tad emotional and very moody and I feel sort of like a build up of mildew in an old brown shower. I've always prided myself in my ability to hold my head high and push through the thick muck when I wade in the swampy parts of life. I can smile when I'm sad and I can focus on the good, and it's always been a quality that I sort of love about myself.

This week has just piled on the bad news, if you will. Right down to this popcorn kernel that has been stuck in my gums since last night and I can't get the darn thing OUT. And then the big things, of course, that I won't really bore you with. Except to say, when it all piles up like this I find myself feeling extra sappy about leaving my little guy at preschool and actually working. The real world can be rough sometimes.

I went through some hard times in college, and exactly which ones they were I can't remember, but I do distinctly remember a few such experiences when I fell to my knees and prayed. Plleeeasseee, God. Please tell mom to call me. She's not answering her phone and I realllyyyy need to talk to her. Or, plleeeasssee, God. Please send me an answer. Please tell someone to call me. Please send me something I really need. Please give me something uplifting. Please.

And I distinctly remember in all of those times, nothing would happen. My mom never miraculously heard a voice tell her to call me. No one showed up, nothing changed. I just sat there alone and unsure and I finally got up and carried on just the same. Every. Single. Time.

And while that sounds sad and lonely to write out, it has made me realize something. While I sit here this week and wait for some miraculous pick-me-up, I realize that this very thing has actually been a HUGE blessing. It turns out that is exactly what I need. Everytime I hope for some miracle when I'm feeling down and it never happens, well I'll be damned if that doesn't make me a better person.

I have an independent soul that craves quiet and alone time. I need to be sad sometimes, without any interference. For whatever reason I'm learning that it makes me who I am. It makes me appreciate the good. It makes me stronger. It makes me wiser. It makes me more humble and grateful and ultimatley, it makes me happier.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really appreciate these kind of weeks. Even though they seem awful and emotional and crazy, I come out of these tunnels feeling stronger and better and higher then I was before.

Be still, my soul. Up and onward I go.