1/22/2014

Thoughts on Two.

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At 3:30 in the morning the hubs and I were woken suddenly from our deep sleep by exaggerated screams coming from down the hall. We flew out of bed in an adrenaline pumped mama and papa bear mode and ran to our toddler's room where the screams were coming from.

Dan arrived first and quickly scooped up a very distraught boy who stood in the middle of the room screaming.

"Dares a bee! Dares a bee!" Jace yelled to us, completely hysterical.

"There's a bee??" I repeated, wondering if I had heard him correctly.

"Dares a bee!" He repeated, and while pointing at his door he yelled out "IT'S RIGHT DARE!"

I swatted my hand into the air at an imaginary bee and said, "Okay, I got it baby. I got the bee, it's gone. It's all gone!"

To which he burrowed his tear covered cheeks into daddy's shoulder and let out a sigh of relief.

Once he fell back asleep and our hearts stopped beating out of our chests from the initial adrenaline of waking up to our baby screaming in distress, the hubs and I laid in bed and laughed at the situation. What made him dream of bees?! we wondered. And also, didn't that just break your heart? We love him so much, that sweet boy of ours.

I've been thinking a lot since I found out we were having another baby. Initially when we found out we were pregnant we were ecstatic. We had planned this and had hoped for our babies to be 3 years apart. But as the pregnancy went on and the miserableness that is morning sickness struck full force, I found myself forgetting that I was excited. I questioned myself often then, why did I want to have another baby? What was I thinking?! I was miserable and sick and uncomfortable and unsure of everything for a little while.

And then there are other worries that arise. For me, the worry of having a second child is always directed back to my first child. For the past three years it has been just us three, dad and jace and me, taking on the world together. And I can honestly say that it has been the best. Difficult and exhausting but the best. And now our jace is this independent, fun loving, growing-up-too-fast boy that makes us laugh every day and it just kind of gets more and more fun as time goes on. So why would we decide to throw another baby into the mix of this perfect life? We have all of this time with our sweet son and life is just so good, and why would we want to change that??

And also: good gravy, I had no idea how much love my heart could hold. At the end of every. single. day. I am nothing but overwhelmed at how much I love this kid of ours. My heart breaks and re-breaks over and over until I'm just sure I can't handle it anymore. How can someone love this much? But here now we are bringing another babe into the world, and is it possible to love another being that much? Is that even possible?!

In the midst of these worries, this week has been heaven sent. An answer to a prayer that never falls off my lips but is always in my heart.

It was last night as the hubs and I laid in bed, when he leaned over and pushed his ear down against my growing baby bump.

Can you hear anything? I asked.

And then it happened. Our sweet-potato sized baby delivered a soft but swift kick! to his ear, a nudge for dad to get out of the cramped space that our little baby inhabits inside of me. It was so much fun for both of us to feel that kick at the same time. We laughed together and then my eyes welled up and I was hit in full force with the realization that: I love this little thing so much already. So, so much. It was just the realization that I needed, to remind me of the grandeur of what we are doing and why we are doing it. To fill my heart up a little bit more and give me a rush of genuine excitement.

I love this little sweet-potato that is wriggling inside of me. It's hard, this process of bringing a baby into the world, but it's oh so worth it. This is my very favorite part of pregnancy, bonding with the baby and soaking up this time we have. And I'll always have the worry of losing that precious time with just us and our first born, but deep down I know that I shouldn't worry about Jace. I know that he was made to be a big brother, and what a great big brother he is going to be.

And I know that by summertime, I won't even remember what life was like without four of us.

Thank heavens for this stage of pregnancy. For the sickness to be behind me and the kicks and wiggles and bonding to begin. For the worries to fade and the excitement to settle in. For the reassurance and motivation and upliftment that I needed.

Thank heavens for this week.

Hashtag myheartjustmightexplode.

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