5/06/2015

"I don't want diamond sunbursts or marble halls, I just want you." - Anne Shirley


Dan and I are coming up on our five year marriage anniversary this Friday. I love anniversaries because I’m able to reflect on all of the chapters that have been written in our story since the beginning of us. Our story, how we met, the obstacles we encountered while dating, the experiences we have had since our marriage began, it’s all very ambitious and grand. Before we were a ‘we’ at all, Dan and I were lovely little rock-strewn pathways that wound and curved through woods of the tallest pines, up mountains and parallel to rushing streams. We were pathways that molded and adapted to the changes in weather and the passage of time, pathways which finally intersected at the top of a mountain at just the absolute perfect time.
Do you believe in fate? I believe that sometimes the idea of fate is quite stupid, while also, I just can’t deny the pull of something out there. Is it chance? Is it destiny? I suppose that I truly do believe that I was meant to be with Dan. I believe the universe pulled us to each other. I do believe that we are quite possibly the two most perfect people for each other, of any of the people we would have ever met and could have ever ended up with.
The thing about marriage, I suppose, or if anything in my inexperienced naivety the thing about my marriage, is this: some people would like to imagine a world where once the pathways intersect, they continue without change. If they are narrow or wide, if they are headed left or headed right, they will not change their course. There is some who have the impression that they will collide together and be just that, what they are at that immediate moment, for the rest of all time.
I believe in the beauty that comes from us as pathways being able to change and adapt, per the weather, per the feet that trodden the paths, per the world we see around us. While change is intimidating and hard, it’s also the one thing that we need in order to grow. We need to change. Changing the way we view the world, changing our environment, changing ourselves as we feel that we need to. Stepping outside of our comfort zones and really pushing ourselves, that’s the change we need. But what do you do when you are not longer solely affected by all of your own choices? Every growth you experience, every change, it’s not yours alone anymore. You are connected to another trail in such a way that where your pathway goes is no longer solely your decision to make.
The thing that I’ve loved and hated about marriage all at the same time is just that. You are your very own person, that doesn’t change. You need to do what’s best for you, you need to make sure you love yourself and have that fulfillment all on your own. But suddenly you also need to incorporate all of your decisions into what’s best for your partner. When you grow and change, the decision is really left with that person beside you. What will they do? Will they support me and love me just the same? Or when they are the ones to grow and change, will I be there to support them?
Marriage is hard work but I suppose anything ever worth having was hard work, wasn’t it? It’s just this colossal decision of who you want to go through all of that hard work with. Who you want by your side when life happens, and who you want to be the person who turns into a mirror that reflects the deepest cracks of your soul every single day. Who you can love through thick and thin, and really love the crap out of them.
Five years ago I chose Dan. I feel that the growth I have made as a person in just the past five years is incredible. I’m almost a different person, although I’m still the same, but I’m magnified. I’m more learned and wise, I’m happier, I’m stronger. And in that regards, I feel that the growth our marriage has made in the past five years is also incredible. Our marriage itself is a thousand times better today than it was even then. We’ve grown together. But how cool, I mean isn’t it? How cool to have him by my side. To grow and learn together. To lift each other up. To live with and have daily adventures with my best friend. And not just that, but to have him love me so very much. It’s really just awfully dreamy and mind-boggling, that we can meet someone whom we had never known before and fall so completely deeply in love with them, so much so that we would make such a huge sacrifice and incredible commitment to them for the rest of forever. It’s hard for me to really comprehend it, the magic of love. But I’m oh so grateful for it.
I’m oh so grateful for him.
Happy early Anniversary boo. Love you long time.

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