And now, he is two.

Today my baby woke up a two year old.

Two years ago today, this very minute, I was on a high far better than any drug you could offer me. After Beck was born I was practically floating, like a feather gracefully drifting through the air. I was so ecstatic on life, so in love and euphoric and full of energy. It was an oxytocin high! In preparation for his Birthday I was looking through baby pictures, and just looking at them brought back all of the blissful feelings from that high, in the same way you smell an evergreen candle and it transports you to Christmas with a stupid smile on your face.

I attribute so much of what I have today to Beck. Of course both of my boys gave me such different things when they came into the world. Jace arrived and made me a mom. He molded me into a new sense of self, he gave me brand new first time experiences and showed me more love than I ever thought possible. I will always have that connection with Jace.

Beck? He made me brave. I swear to you, Beck sparked a match inside of me. Beck inspired me. He ignited my sense of adventure in life like tipping a glass of gasoline over top of a burning campfire. He gave me a new enthusiasm for existence that I could never explain other than to say it was pure magic, the way he changed me when he was born.

So far in the past five years of my being a parent, one thing that has been consistent is that each year, just before a Birthday, there is a tremendous maturation that occurs in some form or another. It is so very ironic that this development happens literally weeks within our celebrating such a huge milestone as another year passing.

For Beck, this blooming in age has been in what proved to be my biggest nemesis of stages with B so far: sleep! I said my farewells to sleep this past year. For whatever reason, sweet B would wake up at least once a night, at least five days a week, for most of the past year.

But it has been just a couple of weeks now, I suppose in preparation for his turning two, that we suddenly turned a corner in the sleep department. It has been amazing. Beck has been sleeping all night, every night, without making a peep. And if this is all two years old brings me, well I WILL TAKE IT AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

The truth is that our making the decision to have Beck be our last child has made these past two years so much more lovely. Because for me, this toddler stage is by far the hardest stage. And the knowledge that he is my last, the awareness that I will (forbidding some unlikely and unforeseen circumstances) not be going through any of these stages as a mother again, has allowed me so much more joy through the exhaustion.

Because of this, I am able to see these stages for what they are. This past year he went from a baby to a toddler, and this next year he will go from a toddler to a boy, and it all goes so very fast. I am looking forward to passing some of these stages, but this is it for me. He is my baby, and so I am just holding tight and trying to enjoy the crazy ride. And I know with his unafraid and enthusiastic excitement for life, this next year will likely bring me even more exhaustion so...thank you Beck, for keeping me young.

Beck is sweet, sweet sunshine. He is funny and handsome and brave and daring, and I couldn't love him any more than I already do, I just couldn't. My heart is so full.

Happy Birthday bear cub! We love you so!

MY FIVE YEAR OLD

I have a five year old. I think this might be a perfect opportunity to use the phrase that those new age millennials keep saying: I CAN'T EVEN.

Over our birthday breakfast of donuts and milk I told Jace the story from the day he was born. It's a hard story to entertain to a five year old. Thirty five hours of labor, son, and I went seventeen without an epidural you know, and I threw up all over the place while I was pushing you out! So I withheld some of the gruesome details. His very favorite part of the story is how his head was so big that he BROKE MY BUTT when he was born. He thinks that is hilarious. It's not hard to get a five year old boy to laugh so long as you say the word butt.

There are a lot of things that I don't do well, and I mean A LOT, but Birthdays? Birthday I can do. Celebrating the people I love most in this world for their being born and making them feel special all day long? That I can do.

First J walked through his doorway of streamers into a family room filled with balloons. For breakfast he took a baseball bat to a piñata filled with candy. Then we went to the store so that J could pick out his birthday presents. Whatever you want kid! (Only, I stopped him at four.) Then we went out to our favorite donut shop for donuts and milk. Jace got to choose the table and tell all of his jokes and he was a delight to be around. Then we hit a matinee of Zootopia, which is just as cute as they say it is! Then we played outside for a while with all of our new birthday toys, followed by a drive down south where we spent the remainder of the evening at Boondocks! GoKarts, laser tag, arcades, presents and a power ranger birthday cake! Both boys crashed hard on the drive home, like drunks after a night at the bar. It was perfect.

I would like to say a lot of sappy things about Jace and how he has changed our lives and how I didn't know I was capable of this kind of love and how his determination and personality and independence make me a proud mama every single day, but I will just say instead: this five year old business is my jam. I really do like five years old. It feels like my favorite stage so far. (I say that every year so I realize that you don't take me seriously anymore...)

And now, five years old in PICTURES! Enjoy!

on the trails with the kelty + TGIF

Beck is at that age where in even a month's time he is changing and growing significantly. Because of it the boys are just starting to settle into this mutual age gap phenomenon where they will play with and entertain each other more and more. It's pretty much the one thing that will turn me into a sap the quickest, watching them together as brothers. Little things like when they sit at the table and put legos together, which is silly because Beck is only one so how did that happen? We are most definitely finding truth in the differences of a child when they have a big sibling to watch. Or then there is bath time, their favorite time of day, which is when they really party hard. I'm watching them turn into friends before my very eyes and it's drilling a nice little hole into my heart, a perfect tunnel that they fill with their metaphoric patching plaster in all of these moments of brotherhood.

(I'm ridiculous and someone should really ban me from making stupid metaphors anymore!)

Anyway. Beck. This age is a contradiction to me. It is sweet, sweet sugar jars of cuteness. It is chubby chipmunk cheeks that I gobble up for breakfast every morning. He is this delightful, adorable nutterbutter that we can't get enough of. While also, this age is insanely exhausting! Simple tasks like going to the store and grabbing a bite to eat turn into so much work that it's likely not even worth the task in the first place.

The other day I woke up with an itch for the trails while the hubs woke up with an itch for harvesting the garden, so we split ways and split kids. I packed up Beck and our favorite pup and we headed out for a good trail with some pretty views. If there is one task that I can handle, one place that I am okay with taking my active toddler, it's the mountains. Because of all the space, sure, and because he is happiest when he is outside, sure, but also because the kelty is heaven sent. Beck is really making a home in that kelty that he has already been in a hundred times since he was born. This go-around he found it a perfect perch for his morning nap, so he snored softly on my back while Rockie chased squirrels and birds, and I found intense peace and clarity and new resolve in my solidarity beneath the trees while pressing along on this beautiful trail.

^^ Can you even believe these views?  Fuhgeddaboudit!

But listen, since the B-ster was napping, I decided to hike much farther than I had originally anticipated and by the end my poor back gave me quite the lecture. Who do you think you are, Cheryl Strayed?!

So now, TGIF mah'friends! What are your plans this weekend? We are heading out of town and so looking forward to a weekend getaway.

Happy Friday! Get out there and get you some!


xoxo

the weekend that lasted for weeks

"Live,
travel,
adventure,
bless
and don't be sorry."
-Jack Kerouac

Memorial Day weekend was the kind of weekend that feels like weeks have passed all in the span of three days time. It just kept on going. Truthfully, for me, the long weekend was this cluster of life lessons learned. The good kind of life lessons, not the kind that you have to wait years to figure out. The instant life lessons.

Perhaps the most important lesson I learned from our weekend is that you should never, ever let the rain deter you. I think I will find an eloquent way to phrase that and hang it over our front door.

You see, over the weekend the forecast was allllll rain. Rain, thunder, rain, more rain, sunshine for an hour, then rain. Every single thing we had planned for our kick-off-to-summer weekend could have easily been cancelled due to inclement weather.

I could have woken up on Saturday morning and declared: no way am I racing in a duathlon in this downpour! But I didn’t. I braved the storm. The entire race I kept repeating to myself, this is INSANE! This is Insane. THIS IS INSANE. This. Is. Insane. I ran the first leg quickly with a smile plastered on my face the entire time while it rained buckets. I was still largely ahead in the group when I got to the bike racks, and was still smiling while I pulled on my gloves and snapped the clip to my helmet.

This is insane!

I hopped on my bike and rode off gallantly to brave the eighteen mile ride. The faster I went, the colder I got. Rain poured from the visor on my helmet, falling down my nose and cheeks. I was soaked to the bone. The rain kept pouring and the wind cut cold and crisp. I sped down hills, I climbed up hills. I didn't need to stop for water because I could just open my mouth! Well if that's not convenient. I was passed by cyclists, I passed cyclists, all of us telling one another good job! You’re doing great!, which is my favorite part of this racing business, all of the uplifting people. People are good, I hope I never forget that. I tried not to focus on how sopping wet I was, or how freezing cold I was. I kept on smiling. 

After finishing the bike ride, I jumped off my bike only to find that I couldn’t feel my own fingers, let alone use them to unclip my helmet! I asked a nice man passing by if he could kindly unclip my helmet for me. He said something about my being “hard core”, and while I laughed and smiled at him, I imagined that I must have looked like a woman smiling just after her botox. Just upon overcoming my inability to unclip my own helmet, I found my newest problem was that I couldn’t feel my feet. How in the WORLD am I supposed to run one more leg when I CAN’T FEEL MY FEET? I was truly baffled. Were people still running? Could everyone else feel their feet? Did everyone give up? Is this the most ridiculous thing I've ever done in my entire life?! I did what I could to pick up my waterlogged shoes and put one foot in front of the other. Just keep going. You can do it. THIS. IS. INSANE.

Somehow I finished the race, and somehow I finished first in my division. It was such fun I tell you, such a high-without-the-drugs kind of fun. As I waited for my moment to stand on my first place podium I inhaled a delicious hot blueberry pancake, ripping large pieces apart with my fingers because my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn’t manage using a fork. My teeth chattered and I jumped up and down to keep myself warm, all while I thought about how grand that was and how I couldn’t wait to race another duathlon! I am so forever glad that I didn’t back out because of the weather.

We could have said, no way are we going camping in this rain! Forget it! But we didn’t. We packed up our camper with supplies and lots of blankets and we headed out of town to join family in the mountains. We spent the next two days sloshing around in the most mud I’ve seen all year. When it poured, we all huddled inside our tiny cabin around a warm wood fire. When it wasn’t pouring, we sat around the fire pit or hiked the hills. Our boys slept like angels both nights. Monday morning Beck woke up early, so he and I had a long early morning sunrise hike that was so beautiful. The cool morning air, the greenery filled with chirping birds, the river flowing beneath us and the patches of thick clouds that layered the mountain tops above us. It was the kind of quality time with my sweet baby that made my heart swell. We ate good food and we laughed and told stories and spent much needed time with our family, with each other. I am so forever glad that we didn’t back out because of the weather.

We returned home on Monday afternoon and we could have easily called quits on our last planned event of the weekend because, look at those clouds rolling in! It’s starting to rain again. Let’s just call it good and not take out the kayaks. And we almost did just that. We were THIS close to not going kayaking. It was cool and windy and starting to sprinkle, Beck had just woken up from a long nap and we were slightly exhausted and we had to rush to pack up our things. But somehow we kept with it. For some reason we picked up our kayaks from their racks in the garage and strapped them in the truck, we took the boys to Grandpa’s, we got our life jackets and we found the perfect spot to put in the river, just as it started to rain again.

Of all of the things we did this weekend, and they were all so very wonderful, I can probably say that our run in the kayaks down the river was the best thing of all. It turns out that kayaking in the rain is INSANELY romantic. It was this mighty adrenaline rush to kayak down such a fast moving river. It was a slightly scary lesson learned about paddling out of a debris-filled eddy that is trying to suck your kayak under. It was a massive amount of respect for the strength and beauty of the river. It was sweet tiny baby ducks floating next to us. It was vast jungle of green trees covering us in the most gorgeous scenery I have witnessed in a very long time. It was tears springing to my eyes because of it all. It was heaven, a beautiful, monumental high that I still haven’t come down from. 

I am so forever glad that we didn’t back out because of the weather.

After kayaking we were with family again, eating smoked ribs and having some laughs, when the weekend that lasted for weeks drew to a close. I couldn't ask for a better ending than the warm slice of homemade peach pie with a brown sugar crumble crust that melted in my mouth. We drove home in the dim light of the sunset, Dan and I hand in hand, the boys and pup happy and tired and still covered in dirt, the kayaks strapped in the back. It was as though there should have been credits appearing at this moment while we drove to our home, this stupidly silly fairytale-like ending to the day.

It was a wonderful lesson. When at all possible, in the event that you will still be safe, of course, never ever let the rain deter you. You might lose what would have been some awfully beautiful memories.

things jace says

He says "hornk" instead of "honk". For example:

"Why that semi truck hornked his horn?"
"Mom, hornk the horn at that car right there!"
"Hey, his horn hornked!"

He is dead set that he is twenty years old. For no reason whatsoever, one day he just decided it. "I'm not three! I'm twenty!" And then twenty turned into his favorite number.

"You need to sit here on time out for ten minutes Jace."
"No! Twenty minutes!"

"Which episode of teenage mutant ninja turtles do you want to watch?"
"Twenty!" (as you can imagine, he's seen that one many times now...)

"Jace what time do you have?"
(looks at his teenage mutant ninja turtles watch on his wrist) "Twenty o'clock!"

It's the oddest thing, this obsession with twenty. But heaven forbid he hears me tell someone his age!

"How old is he?"
"He's three."
"NO I NOT, I TWENTY!"

One morning after Dan had gone to work:
Me to J: "Do you want some toast babe?"
J stares at me, then slowly looks over his right shoulder, then stares at me, then slowly looks over his left shoulder, then says: "Ummmm. Where's babe?"

Or when we were driving in the car on the way to school one morning:
Me to the truck in front of me: "Get outta my way slow poke mcpokey!"
Jace from the backseat: "You talkin' to me mom?"

While we were on a sunny walk one day, Jace zoomed past us on his tricycle and excitedly called back, "COME ON, HURRY UP MY FRIENDSSSS!"

One random conversation:

"Mom?"
"Yeah honey?"
"Member how Beck was in your belly?"
"Yep, he was in my belly. And then he came out huh?"
"From your belly door?"

At the hospital during our bouts of nasty bugs one evening, as we passed the elevators:

"Mom! We gotta get on those alligators!"

One of his happy meal toys was a walkie talkie, which was a HUGE hit. He walked around the house all night repeating this phrases into the walkie talkie:

"Yes Roger!! Coffee that!!"

As we were grabbing Chinese takeout the other night, the girl taking my order had a big top knot bun:

"Mom, look at her weird hair!"

Uhhhh, sorry about my son. Your hair is beautiful... (it was funny looking. kids, they don't lie.)

As he was playing with his toys in the other room we heard him loudly and slowly exclaim, "HOLYYYYY CRRAPPPP!"

And my very favorite:

The other night Jace was being naughty and needed a time out. He was holding a piece of pumpkin bread in his hand which I took away as I hauled him up the stairs to put him in his room. It so happens that as I took away his bread it broke into a hundred pieces, which really just aggravated the whole situation. He was a blubbering mess!

I let him calm down in his bedroom for a good ten minutes before I went in to talk to him. His eyes were red and puffy from crying.

"Hey baby. Come talk to me." I said with open arms.
He sulked into my lap. "Mom," He whimpered, "You broke my bread and you broke my heart."